April is one of the most wonderful times of the year, because April is playoff hockey time of year. There’s very few better things in life than your team playing hockey into June. Unfortunately, my team will be playing golf in June this year, but I won’t do my spoiled brat Boston fan crying routine here, so you’re welcome.
Anyways, to temper my disappointment, I decided to make an NHL playoff bracket. But not just any type of bracket. This bracket has been thoroughly researched and based on advanced statistics, play throughout the season, and…
That’s a total lie. This is a bracket about which playoff team has the hottest captain. If I was a person that was good with Photoshop I would make this into an actual bracket, BUT I’M NOT, so let’s jump right into ROUND 1.
Montreal Canadiens vs. Ottawa Senators
A bunch of assholes vs. Erik Karlsson
Karlsson wins this by default because Montreal went with the four alternates structure this season, rather than a single captain. Karlsson also wins the default because fuck the Habs, and in no universe ever am I going to admit any level of attractiveness of Max Pacioretty or PK Subban.
Tampa Bay Lightning vs. Detroit Red Wings
Steven Stamkos vs. Henrik Zetterberg
This is a pretty tough match-up. Stamkos is a God-like goal scorer, and his facial structure is pretty God-like as well (LOOK at the cheekbones). He also has really nice eyes. However, Zetterberg looks like Jake Gyllenhaal on skates. So, advantage: Zetterberg.
New York Rangers vs. Pittsburgh Penguins
Ryan McDonagh vs. Sidney Crosby
To be fair to Crosby: that is probably not the most attractive picture of him out there. Well, it’s definitely not the most attractive picture of him out there. But does the flaming puck not make you laugh every time?!
Anyways, this is a pretty tough match-up. On the one hand, McDonagh looks fine in that Team USA jersey. On the other hand, Crosby’s butt. Love of America vs. Love of Butts is a real challenge for me, but I think I have to go with patriotism here. Ryan McDonagh comes out with the W.
Washington Capitals vs. New York Islanders
Alexander Ovechkin vs. John Tavares
If Stamkos is a God-like goal scorer, Ovi is a Jesus-like one (or something, some God/Jesus comparison). On the other hand, Tavares is so good they tried to change the rules of the draft. But, look at the pictures. Come on. Tavares in a sweep.
Anaheim Ducks vs. Winnipeg Jets
Ryan Getzlaf vs. Andrew Ladd
This is a matchup that just kind of… bores me? That’s why I chose a picture of Ladd with two black eyes, just to make things interesting. And to capture the spirit of hockey, okay. And I think I’m going to go Ladd here.
Vancouver Canucks vs. Calgary Flames
Henrik Sedin vs. Mark Giordano
I mean, Henrik Sedin just looks like a disgruntled leprechaun, especially here, so even though he’s injured and out of the playoffs, Giordano pummels him in this round. Also Vancouver sucks.
St. Louis Blues vs. Minnesota Wild
David Backes vs. Mikko Koivu
This is another fairly tough one. Mikko has his Finnish boyish good looks, but Backes also has great eyes and played for Team USA in the Olympics. Also there are lots of pictures of him with dogs. But I think he’s kind of an asshole who takes a lot of penalties. I don’t know, this is hard! I think patriotism wins in this round again. And dogs. Sorry Mikko! Advantage: Backes.
Nashville Predators vs. Chicago Blackhawks
Shea Weber vs. Jonathan Toews
Not knocking Weber at all because he’s a good-looking man with an incredible slapshot, but I’m consistently puzzled about whether Jonathan Toews is an NHL player or a Disney prince come to life. Advantage: Toews.
Karlsson vs. Zetterberg
It’s not that Karlsson isn’t cute. If this were a hair bracket, he would totally win. But I just keep going back to the Gyllenhaal on skates thing. It’s just glorious. I mean, they literally could be twins (or at least brothers).
(Who can even tell the difference?!)
So while I am rooting for the Sens in the actual real world finals, gotta go Zetterberg here.
McDonagh vs. Tavares
First, I just want to go on the record saying that if this matchup doesn’t happen in real life, we are all losing out as hockey fans. So far, I’ve been letting my patriotism win out on everything, but not here. Gotta go Tavares. I mean:
I JUST LIKE HIM A LOT, OKAY. (I also kind of joined the Isles bandwagon so maybe I’m biased).
Ladd vs. Giordano
This is a fun matchup of underdogs both in real life and in this bracket of hotness. And I love underdogs. I think I’m giving the edge to Ladd here. Just something about him that I like.
Backes vs. Toews
Despite getting his face punched in in this photo, Toews comes out on top. Once again, my patriotism falls by the wayside. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS VIDEO OF HIM BUYING GIRL SCOUT COOKIES?!?!
His dumb Canadian face is so fucking cute.
Zetterberg vs. Tavares
I think my bandwagon Islanders fandom is clouding my judgement here because I’m taking Tavares over Gyllenhaal-on-skates. Something about Tavares taking the Isles all the way after all these years just gets me, man. Sorry, Henrik. #YesYesYes
Ladd vs. Toews
I mean. No offense to Ladd but this one is kind of easy. He put up a good fight to make it to the conference finals but Toews is tough to beat. There’s a reason he has two Stanley Cups and two Olympic gold medals. Toews in five.
STANLEY CUP FINAL: BATTLE OF THE JT’S
This is definitely a seven game series. Probably goes into overtime a couple times, maybe even a double or triple once. Tavares puts up a valiant fight. But in the end, Disney Prince of Canada Jonathan Toews triumphs. (Pretty crazy how I can still find him so attractive after he ruined my entire summer of 2013).
Congrats on winning the Stanley Cup Bracket of Hotness, Jonathan Toews. Sorry I don’t have a cup to engrave your name onto. Consider it engraved on my heart.