What My OKCupid Profile Would Look Like If I Was Honest

okcupid

I’m a twenty-two year old single female with many single friends, and from that statement you can probably infer that OKCupid is a frequent topic of conversation. If you’re not of my demographic, or live under a rock, or are of my demographic but in an arranged marriage or any similar situation, OKCupid is a free dating website. Anyone and everyone can use it, although from my understanding it caters to a more 20-something crowd (doesn’t mean there’s not creepy old dudes–or ladies #equality–trolling on there though). Now, like I said, OKCupid tends to come up a lot in conversation amongst friends and acquaintances. As a disclaimer, I’m not actually on OKCupid. I was once, about two years ago, for like 57 hours, but some of the messages were just too weird, so I am no longer (nope, instead I’m writing this blog in pajamas at 4:00 PM in bed eating a bowl of ice cream. I need more help than OKCupid can probably give me).

The other thing about OKCupid, or any online dating website or just social website in general, is that people lie on the Internet, which we’ve all learned from either personal experience or MTV’s Catfish. In some cases it’s pretty extreme (see: all episodes of Catfish so far this season) but in some ways it can be relatively innocuous. Obviously, when you’re looking for a relationship and making a first impression via the Internet, you’re going to highlight all your great qualities and take about 1,345 selfies from only good angles, while conveniently neglecting to list the fact that you’re a mouthbreather, that full-body picture is from two years and 20 pounds ago, or you have a weird laugh. We all do it, we just want the chance to snag a keeper with all of our fantastic personality traits before exposing them to the fact that we whine a lot and are a chronic double-texter.

But you know what? Honesty is the best policy. As (most) episodes of Catfish teach us, a good relationship can’t be built on Internet lies. So I wrote a hypothetical OKCupid profile for myself, based on the actual questions on the website, so that should I ever decide to dive back into the online dating world I can ensure that Nev and Max will never show up on my doorstep (although haaaay if you guys want to you totally can! #cuties). 

My self-summary
I’m 22 years old and my priorities in life include becoming Twitter-verified and sampling as many new, local froyo places as I can (not necessarily in that order). Many of my interests coincide with those of 15-year-old girls and I will not apologize for it. I live my life in hyperbole. I am also late all the time for everything (not hyperbole).

What I’m doing with my life
I’m a college graduate but currently unemployed. I spend most of my time sending my resume in for positions I’m not qualified for, eating guacamole, wondering “is it Friday Bride Day on TLC yet?” and worrying that A from Pretty Little Liars is in the backseat of my car every time I get in it at night. Also, often playing the “what would her Real Housewives tagline be?” game in my head and playing a lot of Candy Crush Saga (but not sending people requests on Facebook).

I’m really good at
Tweeting. Specifically, tweeting at various celebrities as if we’re old pals. Performing Grammy-worthy covers of Adele in the car. Crying over animal videos on YouTube. Using my credit card. Overdrafting my bank account.

The first thing people usually notice about me
How are you ever supposed to answer this question? How awkward is it to just ask people “what did you notice first about me?” They’re probably just going to lie anyways. Like “oh, I noticed that you laughed a lot” when what they really mean is “oh, I noticed that third button down on your shirt had popped open and I could totally see your bra and you had no idea, why aren’t you keeping track of things like that?”

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food
Not Twilight, any movie that is not a horror movie, Pretty Little Liars & Real Housewives of New Jersey, One Direction, Mexican

The six things I could never do without
Honey Boo Boo GIFs, Bravo reality shows, the “Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama” video on YouTube, pictures of Harry Styles with small children, the validation that comes from people retweeting me and liking my Instagrams, and day-long marathons of crime dramas on networks like USA and Ion.

I’m looking for
Someone who will put up with me and preferably has a lot of money and/or a cute dog. Alternatively, a prince (like a real-life one with actual royal blood).

You should message me if
You don’t mind the fact that I have over 60 pairs of shoes and also can’t really cook and don’t like cleaning. You understand that if in the future Harry Styles comes knocking on our door I’m out.

Her details

Ethnicity White
Height 5’6″ on a good day
Body Type HA!
Diet Mostly Panera Bread if I have a choice
Smokes No
Drinks Oh yes
Drugs Candy Crush Saga pretty much legally counts as a drug now right?
Religion Going to hell anyways
Sign Aries
Education College
Job Livetweeting witty quips about various television shows (volunteer work)
Income In the negatives
Children Oh no. Not today.
Pets As many dogs as are allowed
Speaks English, often improperly

Now, if I was as committed to this post as I am to going to my TV to check if NCIS is on right now, I’d do a cool graphic design thing so it actually looked like an OKCupid profile. I have neither the energy or the know-how to do that, however, so here’s a chance for you to exercise your imagination.

So, boys of OKCupid and the world at large, this is what you’re getting into. Don’t all rush to my front door with bouquets of roses and boxes of chocolate (I prefer Russell Stover) at once.

For whining in 140 characters or less: @jillpell28
For a bunch of reblogged GIFsets of Harry Styles: hashtagjill.tumblr.com
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