If you’re like me (I assume everyone who reads this blog, if anyone reads this blog, is like me) you are a recent college graduate, or about to be a college graduate, and you are spending or have spent hours of your life drafting, proofreading and sending out cover letters. Having to write cover letters is basically a fate worse than death. My personal process is somewhat similar to the process with which I wrote research papers in college: put a heading in a Word document, then scroll through Twitter, Facebook, BuzzFeed and Reddit for about an hour and a half, then go back and stare at the mostly-empty Word document, then lie face-down in bed yelling into a pillow “I HATE THIS NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO HIRE ME” for about twenty minutes, then go back and look at the job posting for awhile, then type an introductory paragraph, then lather, rinse, repeat. Personally, I dislike writing cover letters because it involves a few of my least favorite things: having to talk myself up (self-deprecation is not acceptable when trying to get a job, apparently), having to actually be professional and serious about something, and having to use buzz words and phrases like “strong communication skills” “multi-tasker” “detail-oriented” and “familiar with Microsoft Office.”
This has been my life since I graduated on May 18th (okay, that’s an exaggeration. I probably spent a good week and a half mourning the fact that having to make it somewhere [class] by ten am was no longer an acceptable reason to wear yoga pants in public and that in the real world you can’t just tell your advisor that you don’t like a job and you don’t need the credits so you’re dropping it). So to take the edge off my frustration, I wrote this, which I consider to be a real and honest cover letter that highlights my greatest skills (all of which are highly unmarketable). Click that little “read more” button then let me know if you would hire me.
To Whom It May Concern (This Always Feels So Cold and Informal):
Hi. How are you? I hope your day is going well. I’m writing to you about the <probably some social media or marketing or PR position> open at your company. I came across the opportunity on <probably Indeed.com> and would really like to be considered for the position.
I recently graduated from Fordham University with a bachelor’s degree in American Studies. Pretty much all I can tell you about American Studies is that it’s “interdisciplinary” and we talk about keywords a lot. If you ask me “what do you do with that?” I will probably have no substantial answer, since every one of my peers that graduated this year is doing something completely different from the others. Most of my courses were in African-American Studies and sociology. My senior thesis was entitled “Movin’ On Up: Social Mobility In Black Family Sitcoms” and I feel like I deserve some credit for presenting it to my professors and the entire department on two hours of sleep.
I am definitely good with all the Microsoft Office stuff and if I can’t figure it out, I also know that Google exists. I’m pretty good at writing and researching, thanks to the previously mentioned thesis, and a lot of other excessively long papers. I don’t have too much professional experience with social media but I basically live online, live-tweeting episodes of Pretty Little Liars and Real Housewives of New Jersey and Instagramming pictures of beer, so all that stuff is really intuitive to me. I get along with pretty much everyone, even people I don’t like, because I hate confrontation. I live in constant fear of my bosses not liking me and firing me so that ensures that I work really hard and will do basically anything you ask me to that’s not illegal or of questionable morality. I really like talking about pop culture and the wallpapers on pretty much all my electronic devices are One Direction-related, fair warning. This isn’t really that relevant but I am really good at combing clearance racks at Target for deals so I will always be dressed appropriately at work. One time a friend forgave me for not drinking with everyone else because I’m “funny enough without alcohol” and I guess that’s not really a marketable skill but it shows that I will be a positive addition to your workplace environment. I’m late for basically everything EXCEPT work, due to aforementioned constant fear of being fired (I’ll stay late for this reason too). I’m a quick learner because I don’t want to seem like an idiot.
I really want to work for your company because I’m desperate for a job. I am running out of money and sometimes I don’t leave my house all day and I basically live in yoga pants (not the worst part of being unemployed). I actually want to gain work and life experience and also an income so I can buy a new car and move out of my parents’ house. I also need a reason to wake up before 11am every morning. If I don’t hear back from you I will probably have to set up an account on SeekingArrangement.com because my options are becoming very limited right now.
My schedule is really flexible. I could start tomorrow if you wanted, actually. Let me know if you have any questions about my resume. I would be more than happy to answer them, or just even talk to someone from any company ever. Hope to hear from you soon!
One hundred thousand Monopoly dollars says every employer I submit a resume to is going to Google my name and read this and never call me, so, blessed. Would you hire me, or is the SeekingArrangement profile going to have to become a reality?
For whining in 140 characters or less: @jillpell28
For a bunch of reblogged GIFsets of Harry Styles: hashtagjill.tumblr.com
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