As per usual, this week on Pretty Little Liars we got about 23 new questions and no new answers. But in addition to the questions, we got Tippy the bird, the reemergence (in name only) of Holden, and a rebound fling for Aria (brb CRYING. MY. EYES OUT). So let’s chat about those things, as well as Toby’s mom, Hannah’s awful outfit choice and Ashley’s muddy Manolos.
The episode opens with the girls eating together at the coffee shop, where Spencer disregards all the things she learned at the finishing school she was definitely sent to and reconstructs the geography of the lodge out of food on the table. She also mentions that Melissa is in DC interviewing for an internship, and I’m under the impression that Melissa is like 35 so I officially have no hope for any type of full-time employment ever.
Mona shows up and it appears as if the girls have decided again that she is not trustworthy, until she offers them full access to A’s Tour Bus. Of course, they get to the random fenced in area in the middle of the woods (these girls consistently spend a lot of time in the woods at night and I don’t understand how they haven’t learned yet) and the bus is NOT THERE! Obvi, the Liars are all pretty pissed at Mona, but as everyone leaves, for some reason Emily and Aria take pause. This turns out to be a good thing for Mona, because A pops up in the backseat of her car and chokes her, thus validating just about every single fear about getting into a car at nighttime that I’ve ever had. Mona manages to jump out of the car and Emily and Aria get to her while A gets behind the wheel and comes barreling at them (season 1 flashbacks, anyone?). Emily hits her shoulder on a rock throwing them out of the car’s path and bye-bye, swimming scholarship to Stanford.
The next day Hannah wears what is possibly my least favorite outfit in Liar’s history (a aquamarine-based printed skirt with a white and blue striped rugby-style blouse and embellished yellow belt and just, ugh) and her mom acts really weird about Wilden being dead and losing her cell phone. Spencer wears maybe my second least favorite outfit in Liar’s history, which includes a sweater with a horse on it, and gets rejected from UPenn and honestly I’m surprised this doesn’t put her in Radley again. There’s a weird interaction between Hannah, Aria and Shana and has anyone figured out how Shana showed up or what her purpose is at all? Like, she’s definitely A.
For some reason, Spencer spills the UPenn news to Fitz after class and he offers to help her work on her essay for different schools and life isn’t fair because I never had an English teacher like Ezra Fitz in high school or college or ever and I demand one now.
Hannah finds her mom’s muddy Manolos (as a shoe enthusiast I cringed just writing that phrase) in a hotel laundry bag under their sink. Um, for real Ashley? That’s your hiding place? That’s maybe the worst hiding place in the history of ever, did you not learn your lesson about hiding important things in your kitchen after all that money you stole from that old lady disappeared in season 1?
Apparently, after the car incident Aria decides that maybe self-defense lessons would be beneficial. She name-drops Holden at the martial arts studio and woah, how long has it been since Holden’s been around? Talk about throwback Thursday. Of course as soon as we see the gorgeous self-defense instructor’s chiseled jawline and soft brown eyes (what? He’s gorgeous, I’m just calling it like I see it) it is clear that this is going to be Aria’s rebound and no no no I personally am not emotionally ready for this to be happening.
Then we meet Tippy the Bird who is definitely A. Tippy is a parrot who sounds uncannily like Alison, which is not creepy at all. Somehow, although Tippy belongs to Mrs. DiLaurentis, he (she? it, I guess) ends up in Hannah’s hands. We get a flashback of Mrs. DiLaurentis and Ali at breakfast one morning, where Mrs. D says Ali can’t have her friends to the shore house for a sleepover so Ali throws a temper tantrum by holding her breath until she passes out. Literally. I’ve never heard of anyone over the age of five doing that, so bravo to the DiLaurentis’s for letting her get away with that for ten years longer than the average child. Her mother relents, but obviously it’s not the Liars she invites to the shore.
Aria kisses Jake the instructor during their self-defense lesson and I’m still not emotionally ready for this rebound.
On her way home, she spies Mona chatting with a cop and obviously has to put an end to it. Turns out, Mona was only trying to eavesdrop on the special investigators behind them who were talking about Wilden’s murder. They’d roped off an area with his footprints that they thought might be from the night he got “whacked,” says Mona, because this is now a show about mob murders. There are also high-heeled footprints. #manolos
Toby admits to turning over A’s Tour Bus in return for his mom’s transcripts from Radley. He cries while Spencer reads them aloud and I actually believe his acting for once and it’s actually kind of heartbreaking. Emily downs two painkillers before her swim meet because that’s definitely a good idea and then bashes her head into the side of the pool and goes to the hospital. Spencer figures out that it’s not a song Tippy’s singing, it’s a phone number. Jake shows up at Aria’s house to ask her on a date and maybe he’s A?? “Maybe you’re not comfortable with the whole student-teacher thing,” he says. ROFL.
Spencer is like super-human because it took her one try to figure out what phone number Tippy was singing. That’s definitely not possible in real life because who even dials phone numbers anymore, really. Of course, they leave Tippy alone for a minute, and he (/she/it) disappears. Ashley rolls up her Manolos in newspaper and puts them in a trash bag because literally no one in Rosewood knows how to adequately destroy evidence or commit murder (obvi you need to like, burn the shoes, Ashley, have you never watched Law & Order?). A feeds Tippy a bird because A is into cannibalism, which doesn’t bode well for anyone in Rosewood.
So who’s phone number do you think it is? I’ll leave you with a list of what I think are some plausible guesses:
TIPPY MAY POSSIBLY HAVE THESE PEOPLE’S NUMBER:
1. Wilden. Like, just to get the obvious out of the way. That’s way too predictable for this show though.
2. Byron Montgomery. Because I don’t really like him all that much and he’s definitely involved somehow. But ew, how weird would that be if Ali referred to him as “board shorts”? Like, EW.
3. Jake the self-defense instructor. Your friendly eyes and great facial structure don’t fool me, Jake! I do not trust you yet.
4. Adam Lambert. Surprise! There was a third queen of hearts on the A Train, and it was Adam Lambert.
5. Ashley Marin. How would that be for a twist?!
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